| |
| |
|
Divorce Information |
|
|
|
Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles to Agreement: Ten Steps
You're going to want to be working on your divorce agreement outside the legal system, because the things you can do to help yourself outside the legal system are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.
1. Make some "New Life" resolutions: Start thinking of yourself as a whole and separate person. You may feel wounded, but you are healing and becoming whole and complete. Keep that picture in mind. Pain and confusion are part of healing. Let go of old attachments, old dreams, old patterns that don't work; this is your chance to build new ones. Decide you will not be a victim of your spouse or the system or yourself. You will not try to change or control your spouse--that's all over now, it doesn't work, it's contrary to the meaning of divorce. Concentrate on yourself, especially on your own actions. You can do something about what your spouse does by changing what you do. Concentrate on your physical health, your work, children, friends. Try to become quiet and calm. Keep your life as simple as possible. 2. Insulate and protect your children: Involving children will surely harm them and upset both parents as well. Keep them well away from the divorce. Tell them the truth in simple terms they can understand, but don't discuss the divorce or your problems in front of them. Don't involve the children or pass messages through them. Don't let them hear you argue or hear you criticize their other parent. Let your children know you both love them and will always be their mother and father, no matter what happens between you. 3. Get safe, stable and secure, just for a while. Your first and most important job is to do whatever you must to arrange short-term safety, stability, and security for yourself, the children, and your spouse--in that order. This doesn't mean forever, just for a month or a few months at a time. Don't be concerned yet about the long-term or the final outcome, and we're talking about minimum conditions here, not your old standard of living. Don't even try to do anything else until minimum conditions are met. You can't negotiate if you don't know where you will live, how you will eat, if you are afraid for your safety, or if you think your house is about to be foreclosed or your car repossessed. 4. Agree on temporary arrangements: If you can work out your own temporary arrangements, you won't need an attorney to get temporary court orders. Start by agreeing that you want a fair result and that you will both act fairly. Agree to communicate before doing anything that will affect the other spouse or the estate or the children. The goal here is to avoid surprises and upset, especially including things like closing accounts or starting legal actions. It takes a long time for things to settle down and for the spouses to work out a final agreement. Meanwhile, you have to arrange for the support of two households on the same old income, the parenting of minor children, making payments on mortgages and debts, and so on. It will work better if your temporary arrangements are put in writing. If you have trouble working this out, use techniques and resources discussed below. 5. Slow down, take some time: If you can make your situation safe and stable for a while, you don't have to be in a hurry. Think of divorce as an illness or an accident; it really is a kind of injury, and it takes time to heal. You have to go slow and easy, be good to yourself. Some very important work goes on during this slowdown. 6. Get information and advice: First, organize your facts, records and documents. When you're ready to start, you can go to www.nolodivorce.com and get worksheets that will help you do this. You'll want lists of assets, deeds, statements, account numbers, income and expense information, tax returns and wage stubs. Get information from your records and from your accountant, from recent tax returns, and from your spouse. Spouses should have a full and open exchange of information: it helps to build trust and confidence, and, in many states, it's the law, so you might as well just go ahead and do it. If information is not exchanged freely outside of the legal system, you will probably end up in court with attorneys doing very expensive discovery work. Next, learn the rules for divorce in your state as they apply to your case. You especially want to know how predictable the outcome would be if your facts were taken before a judge. You may find some useful books on the laws of divorce for your state or you may decide to get some legal advice. For more information on how to do this, see Chapter 6 of Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better, published by Nolo Press Occidental. Be very careful where you get advice. Your friends and relatives will be a fountain of free advice, but don't take it--the price is too high if they're wrong. They mean well, but probably don't know what they're talking about. Use your friends for emotional support, but take advice only from an attorney who specializes in divorce. Don't take advice from paralegals or people who run typing services; they're not trained for it. 7. Focus on needs and interests; don't take positions yet: A position is a stand on a final outcome: "I want the house sold and the children every weekend." In the beginning, there's too much upset and too little information to decide what you want for an outcome. Taking a position is bad negotiating--it's an invitation to an argument: the other side either agrees or they disagrees and you're in an argument rather than a discussion. It's better to think and talk in terms of needs and interests. These are your basic concerns: "I need to know I'll have enough to live on. I want a good relationship with my children. I want an end to argument and upset." When put this way, these are subjects that you and your spouse can discuss together. 8. Stick with short-term solutions: Concentrate on short-term solutions to immediate problems like keeping two separate households afloat for a few months; keeping mortgages paid and cars from being repossessed; keeping children protected, secure, stable, in contact with both parents. These are things you can try to work on together. 9. Minimize legal activity: You want to avoid any legal activity unless it is necessary--zero is best, or the minimum required to protect yourself or get your case started. Ideally, you will avoid retaining an attorney and you won't give your spouse any reason to retain an attorney. 10. Get help if you need it: Consider counseling for yourself or your children. For help with talking to your spouse, consider couple counseling or go see a mediator. Mediators and counselors are low-conflict professionals who can help with emotional issues, defusing upset or, in the case of the mediator, with making agreements for your temporary arrangements. If you follow these steps, you'll be well on the way to working out your agreement. If you and your spouse slip easily into conflict, read the article How to Reduce Conflict and Improve Your Life. It is very important that your spouse has this information, too. Try to get him or her to read this article or go to Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better and get your spouse a copy of the book from which this article was excerpted. Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books by calling (800) 464-5502.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Tax & Financial Impacts of Divorce: 10 Mistakes to Avoid Divorce is something no one hopes will happen to them when they get married. Unfortunately, almost half of all marriages end in divorce. Divorce Roadmap: The Route Around the Legal System Let's look at how a divorce case works so you can see what you face and how you can beat the legal system. The legal divorce process is similar in all states, but there are two common sets of terms. Divorce Makes Us Stronger My friends call me the "Divorce Poster Child".At the age of 20 I was married, and by 22 I had our first child. Divorce and Children: Things To Consider When Youre Staying Married Only For Your Children All children are different and respond differently to divorce. Depending on the characteristics of the children - age, emotional maturity, happiness, resiliency to trauma - the easier or more difficult it will be for children to weather a divorce. Alienation of Affection - Interference with marriage can cost big bucks in North Carolina Non-lawyers are often surprised to learn that a spouse can sue for money damages in North Carolina based on allegations of emotional harm caused by a third party to the marital relationship. These lawsuits for "alienation of affection" and/or "criminal conversation" are usually brought by the innocent spouse against the guilty spouse's lover; but an alienation action may also be brought against someone like an in-law or other near relative who has advised a defecting spouse to leave the marital relationship. The Legal Side of Divorce While divorce can be an emotionally draining experience, even in the best of situations, it can also be a complicated legal matter that affects both parties equally. No matter how long your marriage has lasted or how few belongings you share together, it is also best to involve an attorney in your divorce proceedings. Joint Bank Accounts and Divorce Here are some useful tips on joint bank accounts and divorce. If you've recently been through a divorce - or are contemplating one - you may want to look closely at issues involving joint bank accounts. Four Tips to Save You Money in a Divorce Case 1. Have an Clear Written Fee AgreementMost experienced and effective divorce attorneys charge by the hour and require an advance retainer (or deposit) that is paid at the beginning of the case. Things To Consider When Making A Decision About Divorce When making a divorce decision, there are quite a few things that you should consider. Too often people find themselves unable to clearly identify what they need to think about when making a divorce decision which leads to further indecision and frustration. Deciding On Spousal Support No matter which side you are on, spousal support is something that will need to be taken care of during a divorce. Something must be decided about spousal support, yet, where are you to begin? What are you going to do to resolve this issue of spousal support? Are you afraid to ask for what you already know you deserve, support? Or, are you on the other side, wondering what is going to be required of you as far as spousal support goes?What is spousal support? Who is entitled to spousal support? Spousal support is support given in the form of money or possessions that helps to support a spouse after a divorce. Marriage Seperation - A Practical Guide Finance in marriage seperation is a very big issue particularly with regards to the mortgage and household bills. When marriage seperation is inevitable obviously both parties need somewhere to stay and often it can be quite difficult to sell one property and then try to finance two. Surviving Life After Divorce After divorce, the most important thing you can do is to move forward sensibly. Here are ten steps to help you on your way back to a fulfilling life. Does Your Sexless Marriage Have You Thinking About Divorce? If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don't worry, it isn't unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that's only natural. Getting a Jewish Divorce in the UK What is the Get?The Get is the Jewish form of divorce. The husband and wife must co-operate in obtaining the Get. Child Support: 5 Key Things Every Parent Should Know There is no magic solution to getting issues surrounding child support resolved. Most parents know that when dealing with the bureaucracy tied to the child support system persistence, persistence, persistence is the key that opens the door. Divorce--Overcoming the Obstacles to Agreement: Ten Steps You're going to want to be working on your divorce agreement outside the legal system, because the things you can do to help yourself outside the legal system are far more effective than anything a lawyer can do for you.But please don't just walk up to your spouse and start negotiating. Why Men Wont Commit To Marriage A common reason why men wont commit could be due to their past. Men wont commit if they have witnessed their parents in the past arguing or rowing. Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from the painful consequences.1. 10 Ways to Keep Divorce Lawyers From Ruining Your Life Everyone has heard the story (from friends, co-workers, and family members) of the divorce from hell; the one that grinds on for years, costs untold thousands of dollars, and frustratingly plods its way through the court system. It costs people not only their marriage, but often their children, their savings, and their emotional well-being, as well. Contested And Uncontested Divorce A divorce case is contested if the parties cannot agree on every one of the issues involved in their particular situation. Common areas of disagreement include, but are not limited to: grounds for divorce, custody of the children, visitation rights, division of the assets of the marriage, child support, maintenance (alimony), payment of family debts, contribution toward educational expenses (college or parochial), payment of health insurance for the dependent spouse, income tax structuring, etcWhen a divorce case is filed, it is given an identification number and is deemed by the court to be a matter that will ultimately require trial time in order to resolve all issues.
|
| home | site map buy zune zune movies comprar zune |
| © 2006 |
