| |
7 Steps to Divorcing Your Divorce by
Margot Thompson
When I realized my marriage was floundering, I was 5 months
pregnant. I didn't want to believe it, so obviously, I did
everything I could to ignore all the signs. First I pretended it
wasn't happening. When that didn't work for me anymore I firmly
convinced myself that he was just having parenting jitters. When
he didn't want to read to "the bump" or feel the kicks, I told
myself it was totally normal that he wasn't as connected to the
baby - after all, I was the only one who could feel the life
growing inside me. You can always find an excuse if you look
hard enough.
When my marriage ended well within the first year of my son's
life, I felt numb. Really numb. That final door slam haunted
every waking moment for months. I made every single excuse I
could think of for him. To myself, to him, to my family, to his
family - to all our friends. But, in the end an excuse is still
an excuse and ultimately I had to face the fact that he'd left
us. The numbness changed to shock, the shock to confusion,
confusion to sadness, the sadness to deep grief, and for a dark
period I was blazingly angry. I had no money. I had no job. I
had no husband. I was totally and completely responsible for
another being's life and I didn't know how I was ever going to
manage it alone.
Out of sheer necessity I went back to the corporate job I had
quit a few months earlier so I could stay home and raise my
child. Thus began an endless cycle starting with a commuting day
that lasted 12 hours and ending with me crawling into bed and
sobbing soundlessly while cradling my son in my arms. Between
the commute, the financial strain, the hours and the emotional
stress, I could feel myself getting sucked down into a hopeless
and sinister place. I felt trapped in a never-ending circle of
responsibility with no chance of escape. I could barely
function. I could feel myself shutting down. The only light in
the darkness of my life was my baby and I focused on that light
with vivid clarity.
It took a tragic experience during one of my ex's visits to
bring me back to life. In a situation when I wasn't present, my
son came within a hair's-breadth of death. And all of my
feelings - frozen until this moment - came flooding back to me.
I almost destroyed myself with guilt for not being right there
with my son at the time. I just knew it wouldn't have happened
if I'd been there. Even though he survived, I blamed myself for
not being with him at that exact moment. I was a bad mother. I
wasn't there when the most important person in my life needed
me. He was everything and I almost lost him. What would I be
without him? Nothing. Nothing at all.
And that's when a tiny voice in the back of my mind spoke up and
told me it had to stop. All of it. I had to find myself again.
And in that moment, the fog lifted. The sun came out. I knew I
could find my way to a better emotional place and a new,
self-directed life. I was raising my son alone, and I was going
to do the best possible job of showing him how to be a whole and
healthy person. I was going to be a 'soul parent'. And that
started with rebuilding my attitude.
I created a plan. It was an inspired plan, and I followed the
action steps I set for myself to the letter. It worked. We built
a very natural, strong and satisfying life for ourselves. Before
long, we were attracting all kinds of good things into our life.
Today, I feel truly blessed in the life I live.
How did I take one of the darkest times in my personal history
and turn it into a new and extraordinary life that totally
satisfies me and nourishes my son?
Here's my action step plan:
1. Be totally straight with yourself. Take a good look at
your finances and resources. Explore your best possible work
and housing options and put yourself on a realistic budget right
away. Understand that you cannot be all things to all people and
still raise children, work mega-hours, pay all the bills, keep
the house clean, be everyone's best friend. Set realistic
standards and boundaries for yourself. And live within them.
2. Feel your emotions. There is no such thing as a "bad"
feeling. What you feel is what you feel. Allow yourself to go
through all the stages: denial, shock, confusion, sadness, fear,
anger, grief, hope and acceptance. Feeling them is the only way
to get through them. Greet them, experience them and when you're
ready, make peace with each one of them. If you don't
acknowledge your feelings, they'll always be there waiting to
jump out at you in a weak moment.
3. Accept what is. OK - he's gone. You're on your own
with your children. They will have one relationship with you and
another, separate relationship with him. What you can do about
that is to build the best co-parenting relationship possible.
The marriage is over. Respect that truth and make it work for
you. Don't invest any more of your emotions into a dead
relationship. Invest your emotional energy into yourself, your
children and building your best life together. Take away any
good that you can from the ended relationship and discard the
rest. Let it go.
4. Build a strong support network. Take a look at the
people around you. This is the time to make an investment in
your friendships. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes,
a quick hug or a hand to hold in the darkest moments. Talk to
your close friends. Join a divorce support group. See a
therapist if you need to work through your past. Get a coach
when you're ready to move into your future. Provide the highest
quality of support for yourself (and you DO provide it for
yourself). Sometimes old friends don't come through as expected
for you. If you don't have a support network now, build one. You
can meet warm, caring people who will provide understanding and
peace of mind. You can find them in a variety of places: your
kids' schools, work, divorce recovery groups, churches, in the
neighbourhood, at the library and in online support forums to
name a few. Building a support system of trusted friends is key
to your healing.
5. Practice "Extreme Self-Care". Believe in yourself and
the value you bring to this world. You are a vibrant and
precious being that is adored by the universe. As you are now,
today; warts, fear, anger and all, you are perfect. Treat
yourself as such. The world accepts us at the value WE place on
OURSELVES. And then our lives become a reflection of our
beliefs. So understand that it's important to believe in
yourself. Invest in your self-care. Value yourself. It will be
the best investment you've ever made.
6. Take all the help you can get. It's not easy being a
single parent. Do what you have to do to make your life easier
and more satisfying. Arrange a babysitting exchange with a
friend. Let your parents help. Assistance comes in many forms
and you'll want to take advantage of any reasonable offering.
Have the kids manage age-appropriate chores around the house.
Arrange for quality childcare without allowing guilt to consume
you - most children thrive in daycare. Take friends and family
up on offers to babysit. Have a cup of tea while you let the
kids play at the local Y. It's not selfish to take help - it's
smart. Anything that makes your day easier and brighter is
better for you and better for your family.
7. Plan a future filled with passion, joy and true
satisfaction. You are stronger and more resourceful now than
you ever could have imagined you would be. When you grow through
your divorce rather than merely surviving it, you've opened up
paths and possibilities that empower you. Your divorce is no
longer an ending, but a new beginning. In a sense, you've taken
a journey of self-discovery and become a new person. This is
your time to plan your new life. When you're ready to move
forward, into a vibrant, joyful life of fulfillment, a coach can
help you to discover your natural strengths and inner gifts so
that you can effectively map out a plan of action that bridges
the gap between your divorce and your new ideal life.
The most amazing part of going through the darkness of divorce
is the sense of joy and liberation when you move past it and
into the life you were born for. It's a new beginning. A new
path in your life. Knowing you have the power to divorce your
divorce is completely freeing. The albatross of your old life is
gone, and the healing process teaches you that there is
frequently a better life ahead than the one you've left behind.
When you feel this new, confident sense of yourself, you begin
to naturally attract good things and people into your life.
You'll be building a richer, more soul-satisfying life that will
fill you with joy and inspire you to become the person you were
always destined to be.
Celebrate your divorce from your divorce.
|
|
